I Don't Understand.....

Let me just start by saying I hope I don't offend or depress anyone with this post. Maybe I shouldn't talk about something so difficult here for the world to see, but I'm going to anyway. My heart is weighted down tonight, and I want to get it out. I am a speech pathologist, and "speech" is our specialty, right? Well...many of the children I work with do not have verbal speech. All of them have at least sounds, but the production of words just hasn't happened yet for some of them. Maybe it will come...maybe an alternative way of communication will be the end result. Whatever the case, I just cannot imagine not being able to speak. I think of all the thoughts and emotions that build up inside of my own mind, and I cannot even begin to comprehend not being able to use my mouth to SAY those things. I can't imagine not being able to SAY, "I love you." "I'm so ANGRY!" "What were you thinking?" "YOU ROCK!" and everything else I want to say.

We can give kids pictures, signs, and various low to high tech communication devices to communicate, and yes, they are supposed to enable spontaneous communication, but do they really? Our kids are limited by the pictures WE create or the messages WE program into their devices. Of course they can get creative in how to get messages across, but it's not the same as SPEAKING.

I can see the personality in each child I work with, and I can see all of the things that they CAN do. I try to focus on all that they CAN do, but it's my job to think about how to encourage more and better communication. That entails determining what they are not currently doing, which is not a happy thing to ever think about or talk about with anyone.

I love working with children. I am blessed to work with some of the most FUN, witty, intelligent, and entertaining children on the planet! And the parents.....I work with some of the best parents on the planet! So....WHY can't some of my kids TALK with their voices??? I don't care what the disability is... apraxia, dysarthria, autism, environmental difficulties that come from adoptions, etc. I don't see a disability when I look at a child. I see the symptoms they are presenting or the developmental level they are currently showing and focus on what to do from "here".

But in all honesty, there are so many times that I don't know what to do from "here". I have a solid education behind me. I can and do read many books and search things online. I know or can look up what is developmentally appropriate to work on. I go to workshops on treatment techniques for all kinds of disabilities. I am confident in all of these things. But it seems everyone has an opinion on what WILL work or what will NOT work, and so often, those opinions don't match up, even from the "specialists". How does one choose the right method or technique for each child, when each child is individual and unique? I'm not discounting all of our education in speech pathology and that techniques can and do work for a certain set of symptoms. But, seriously... the vast amount of research and techniques for just 1 set of symptoms is overwhelming.

This is where my faith comes in. I love these children, and I love the Lord. I know that HE can guide my thoughts and efforts into the right treatment (and right delivery of that treatment) for each child. I know that He CAN....but am I listening? Is there something else out there that I'm missing...something that will make (insert child's name) TALK? This is where my LACK of faith comes in. Is it wrong to question WHY things don't seem to be working like I want them to or as quickly as I want them to, when GOD is in control? I know God is in control, but I also know that I am human, and humans make mistakes and tune God out sometimes. I pray that God works through me, that he looks past all of my human stupidity and uses me to help every child that I work with communicate to the best of his or her ability. But I still want to scream, "WHY?" when a child cannot use his or her voice to speak.

In closing, I want to say that I would never limit any child in their abilities. I would never say that a child will not speak, regardless of what the researchers, professionals, or specialists say. I will never limit God's ability to make ANYTHING happen. I only question "why not NOW, in the present?" I also believe that it doesn't always matter "how" a child communicates but that they DO communicate, and that children can be perfectly content with various means of communication. Some children may not even feel they are missing out on anything by not speaking. Maybe it's just me wanting what I want for them and not trusting in the Lord's plan. I don't know, and I don't understand. I just do the best that I know how and pray for the rest.

Please excuse my questioning. I really am a positive therapist who can see the good in any and all communication systems. I get excited to see kids progress in any communication whether it be speech or alternative/augmentative programs. Those of you who know me, know that I truly do get excited! I'm just having one of those moments that surely all professionals have at times.